Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
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sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler