Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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