We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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