I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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