I need to stop coming to work sober
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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