At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
