he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
