she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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