I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
