If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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