My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
