It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
