I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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