Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize