If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
