So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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