I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
