I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
