I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
