so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
