I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My hand turned me down
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
