Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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