Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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