Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
