Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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