I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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