My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
