peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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