He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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