i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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