You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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