That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
