I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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