dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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