I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
3pm strippers are depressing
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i've created a new STD.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.