If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.