i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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