I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision