So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
