I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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