I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
