she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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