It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
