the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
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The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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