Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
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I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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