I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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