arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
