It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
