I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
