you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
