I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
