Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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