i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?