If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
