Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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