Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
