u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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