Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
