I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
