I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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