I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
