I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hippo gnu deer
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
