god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nicole vs. Life
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
