I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
